you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize