You can't motorboat a personality
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
