its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
