Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
