I swear she didn't look like that last week.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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