I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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