so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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