I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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