Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
