I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
