I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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