My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
