ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
