Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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