In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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