foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
