apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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