Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
