i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
