I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
