did you get engaged???
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
