You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
