im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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