i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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