So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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