i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Randomize
