I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Randomize
