Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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