No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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