you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
it glows. i had to have it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
