You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize