Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
