I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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