Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
