hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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