the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
