the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
