What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
