I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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