I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
