im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
