I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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