Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
