turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
