Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
