i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
