i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
