can we get nightvision for the apartment?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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