we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
