Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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