I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
