Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
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