Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize