I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
