He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
