1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
