Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The best revenge is premature balding
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
