so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
