She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
